TO THE PERSON WHO STOLE MY SUNDAY NEWSPAPER COUPON INSERTS AND WEAKENED MY FAITH IN HUMANITY:

Why’d you do it?

Didn’t you know I needed those? Was this just a crime of opportunity? Did you see my opulent Sunday Paper and think to yourself ‘why should they have all the deals and not I?‘? Didn’t you think I would know trouble was afoot when I saw my Sunday Paper open and disheveled on my front step? Hmm? Hmm? And why did you take only the coupon inserts, leaving the store ads (which also have some stackable coupons, you dum-dum) and the front page article on bullying? Oh, I know why. It’s because you’re a jerk. 

We’re an up and coming family, starting to take couponing seriously. Didn’t you know that? I’m pregnant with my first child, watching the calendar days tick by, week by week, Sunday paper by Sunday paper, planning like a good consumer until my Baby arrives…and don’t you know, diapers aren’t cheap! And, sometimes, with proper couponing, toothpaste is free. But you probably DID know that, since you STOLE MY COUPON INSERTS. That’s my free Colgate Total that you’re enjoying. Stop that!

The Sunday Paper is only like two bucks, and there’s a convenience store literally 500 yards from my front step. Couldn’t you have just gone to the store like a proper adult to purchase the paper? Of course not. Because, why buy the cow when you can get the coupons by stealing them.

What wonderful manufacturer coupons were in those inserts that I will never know about? What glorious deals are you cashing in on at my expense? Do you cackle maniacally at the check out stand when using your ill-gotten coupons? I want to know. I deserve to know the truth.

Do you know me? Or worse, do I know you? Do you watch me from behind the Cheerios end cap at the store and snicker when you see me pay retail price? Are you stacking my coupons on double coupon day? Dear, God. You are. You are a monster.

Where do you draw the line with your injustices? You know this is a gateway crime, right? Next up you’ll be stealing my basil plants and bicycles. Then my baby, right from my womb, you freak!! … Alright, alright, it probably won’t go that extreme, but if I find out you’ve been eyeballing my amazon deliveries…I will find you. And I will press charges. You will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law, gangster.

Rest assured.

AND A BRIEF NOTE TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH:

Hey guys,

So, this coupon insert theft ring. Where were you guys? I mean, I know it’s labor day weekend and all, but how was nobody watching? It’s even in your group name, ‘The Neighborhood Watch’. Why would you call yourself that if you’re not going to watch the neighborhood and keep trouble at bay?

There’s a Coupon Insert Thief on the loose, we need to be on our toes, bros! You won’t be laughing when YOUR coupons are stolen.

Thanks,

Crystle

So I hope you’re happy, Coupon Thief Mastermind.

Just know that when you use my coupons at the register, that God and your sweet old nana (who maybe died a long time ago) are watching you. And they are not pleased either.

Scornfully,

Crystle

POST SCRIPT:

I have considered the possibility that these coupons were never inserted in the first place, but sometimes, when you have a lot of time on your hands like me, it’s a little more fun to let the imagine run wild.